Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Buzz Kill - Let's Drop this Business Vernacular

Today had me thinking of a lot of different things, like an ADHD-riddled child being given free-reign over touching anything he pleases in Toys-R-Us. Unforutnately, most of the subjects weren't appropriate to be discussed here. But I found that one of these subjects could actually be learned from and reflected upon. The nature of which is of course business buzz-phrases. I must note though, that we are all guilty of using these at one time or another - I'm not just being snobby here. In this analysis I hope to higher our realization and discretion towards muttering these useless phrases, much like strapping one of those anti-barking collars to your dog to get it to shut up so that you and the neighbours can finally get some sleep.

I'm only going to list a few, though I do recognize that a plethora of buzz-words can be found in everyday interactions. So, without further adieu, here is my list of buzzwords that need to once-and-for-all be, proverbally, nipped in the bud.

(note: I'm trying to be ironic in using buzz-phrases in this last sentence. I am not falling victim to them)

At the End of the Day...
First of all, I try to keep my mind off of the end of any given day. Because on most days (eg. Monday through Friday), I cannot comprehend the notion that there actually is a finite amount of time belonging to the work-day, and that the suffering will in fact come to an end. This phrase is used to distract the listener from any inconsequential disasters that will come from any given practice, because to quote another buzz-phrase, "the end always justifies the means."

Moving Forward...
No, please, I insist that we continue to stand still or pace in circles, much like we've done for the first three hours of this conference call. If we were to actually move forward, we might later need to…..
Touch Base.
This one has come in handy for me on occasion. It's a very effective phrase for endearing your listener into the belief that you'll be looking into something, that the issue is on your list of top priorities, and that you'll most definitely have more information or conclusions to report to them in the near future. A very effective way to end the call, allowing your cauliflowered-ear to begin it's healing process, and your dignity to resurface.

In my opinion…
When normal people discuss things, they usually only speak their own words and opinions. If what you're saying is actually someone else's opinion, only then does it need to be prefaced with a disclaimer on it's authenticity. Otherwise, we'll all just assume that you're thinking for yourself, because nobody who is at all quote-worthy would have come up with what you just told me about the structure of reporting information in spreadsheets.

…on a high level
This phrase has perhaps become the epitomy of our conversational irritations. It is, without a doubt, the penultimate reason for cringing and dying just a little inside when we hear certain people talk. I could go further, but, 'nuff said.

It is what it is.
Of course it is. Do you actually believe that you're achieving some sort of profound realization, and enlightening me all at the same time? I agree with the "less is more" generalization, in that boiling things down to their bare essentials is the best way to rationalize them, but you aren't making the issue-at-hand any less frustrating in saying this. It's kind of like when you were young, and you asked your parents "why?," and they replied, "because."

To end this rambling, if anyone has even made it this far, I'd like to philosiphize on the prospect of using all of the above phrases in a single sentence, but still managing to keep the sentence somewhat believable. I've come up with this…

"Moving forward…it is in my opinion that we should, on a high level, touch base and come to the conclusion that the human race is a pretensious bunch of fools that, at the end of the day, are only using their knowledge in the most convenient way possible."

I thought that worked rather well. What's that? I left one of the phrases out? Well, you'll just have to accept my short-coming...because it is what it is.

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